Smoking.

How to Quit Smoking Well: A Step-by-Step Guide to Success

Day 1. Don’t buy cigarettes.  Be super sensitive to everything anyone says to you.  Don’t talk to anyone about trying to quit smoking. Retreat as soon as you can to your home. Hate your home. Look in the mirror. Hate yourself.  Cook lots of food. Eat it sparingly cause a full stomach reminds you of smoking.  Rent two terrible mindless movies – the only prerequisite being no feelings, no sentiment. Watch ‘Taking of the Pelham 1-2-3′, shake your head at HOW terrible it is. Cringe often. Watch ‘The Proposal’, shake your head at how TERRIBLE it is.  Concede that you would still make it with Ryan Reynolds. Go to sleep at 11.

Day 2. Wake up.  Root for midnight. Go to work without lunch. Eat only Ambrosia apples, tangerines and bananas all day.  Consider incessantly the idea that this is the rest of your life. Don’t talk to anyone about trying to quit smoking. Root for midnight. Get in the car after work. Become concerned that there’s still a cigarette left in one of the NUMEROUS (ostensibly) empty packs littering your car. Try not to think about it. Eat Ambrosia apples for dinner. Go to bed at 10.

Day 3. Wake up. Forget to root for midnight. Get in the car. Realize it smells less like cigarettes. Feel better.  Root for midnight just in case.  Eat more Ambrosia apples, tangerines and bananas. Work on having perspective on quitting smoking. Re-read David Sedaris’ story about when he quit.  Make the joke, Well, besides the four-month move to Japan, the long-term relationship and the $20,000 price tag, I am quitting smoking just like him! Eat chicken for dinner.  Get on the sleepy-time-down-south train at 11.

Day 4. Wake up. Pack a lunch (but nothing too heavy cause you’re still a delicate flower).  Get in the car.  Mimic what other non-smoking drivers are doing: fiddle with the radio, adjust the rearview, play with your ears.  Forget to root for midnight.  Laugh at someone’s joke non-maliciously and un-ironically. Be pleased. Feel okay.

Day 5.  Wake up. Be okay. Mention that you’re trying to quit smoking. Steal David Sedaris’ denouement and declare softly whilst looking wistfully out a window, “Yes. I AM finished smoking.”