Firsts.

Are you familiar with the internet meme ‘First’? It’s a trend that’s taken the comment sections of the world wide web by storm.  It’s a competition to see who can react the fastest to a post – you win if you’re the first person to comment and you celebrate your win by replying ‘First!’

Annoying, right? Now imagine that instead of an online trend, it was a real life trend.  And instead of it being a trend, it’s some girl telling you how she discovered someone way before the general public knew about them.  Now imagine that girl is me, and I’m telling you that what I discovered was Justin Long.

Cause I. effing. did.  No ONE except me and my mom were in that theater to see Galaxy Quest.  And look at him now. All grown up, dating my rich-white-talented-hipsterqueen twin and making a movie which, if the trailer is to believed, is the best romcom ever.

So, you’re welcome, Justin Long! And, Planet Earth!

Alice.

I decided a while ago I’d never see another movie where Johnny Depp wore copious amounts of make-up, sooo, alas, I won’t be seeing Alice in Wonderland. I’m sure it’s gorgeous though and good on all a ya’ that do see it.

In honor of its cultural significance, though (one pill makes you larger, one pill makes you smaller, down the rabbit hole, Cheshire cat, ‘off with her head!’, etc), I wanted to share this. It’s beautiful.  I am a sucker for a trance beat.

MoviesNoThankYou.

I’m thirty-four years old. Until I was twenty-five, I slept with a Mickey Mouse doll unironically. I read the movie spoiler for Paranormal Activity and had nightmares for a week. When startled, I curl into the fetal position and close my eyes. I’m often struck by the fear that a hungry lion will enter my apartment. Suffice it to say, I am the most delicate flower you will ever meet.

Another (completely related? let’s find out together!) fact about me: I spent the first 32 years of my life watching movies – LOTS of movies.

And here it all comes together for, over the years, I have found myself watching movies that are so disturbing and so traumatizing to my delicate and fragile nature that to this day I shudder at the thought of them and passionately exclaim “I will never see that movie again! EVER.”  Here are a few.

The Pledge.
Spoiler alert: Benicio del Toro dies, Robin Wright finds out about the plot, and Jack Nicholson goes fucking crazy. I watched the last 30 minutes of this movie with only one eye, I was so distraught at the way it was turning out. The premise is Jack Nicholson – a detective hard worn by life and its betrayals and demands – is looking for a murderous pedophile. He has a plan to lure out the suspect (Benicio del Toro), and it’s the only thing that matters. Of course, no one else believes Benicio is the killer and the consensus is that Jack needs to just let it go and live, laugh, love etc. He becomes obsessed with proving Benicio is the killer, eventually setting a trap.

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