Plain.

Now let me preface by saying this: Rest assured, I am the second blackest person you know. (The first, we’ll presume, is whatever black person you most recently spoke to.) My credentials are as follows: my whole family’s black, I have bad credit, I’m missing a tooth, I believe that Maulana Karenga was instrumental in the destruction of the Black Panther Party and Kwanzaa is fucking made up, I’m staunchly democratic, Andrew Young has spoken to me on numerous occasions, I acknowledge every black person I encounter, I have fucking AWESOME dreadlocks, I am known for my dogged perseverance, I am personally offended by every act of overt and covert racism, I’ve been romanced primarily by black men, I eat black eyed peas cooked with a silver dollar at the bottom every new year’s day – well, I could go on for days but you get the picture.

Which brings me to my point – I may have to relinquish all rights. I have fallen in absolute and completely baffling love with a song so milquetoast, so wildly pedestrian that I fear I may never be the same. And it’s more than love, it’s obsession. No, it’s more than obsession, it’s nothing short of compulsion. And the kicker is that much of the song is totally offensive to me! It’s a bit sexist, it’s condescending, self-important, it totally breaks the proverbial fourth wall by referring to itself. But I just can’t get enough of it. It’s a live version that I found on the youtube so I just hit replay ALL DAY LONG. Today I converted it to an MP3, so now I can play it through the iTunes at work but at home, I just replay ALL NIGHT LONG. Before I embed it, I just want to share some of the lyrics, so you’ll understand beforehand the horror that I’m living with:

“You’re all smiles and silly conversation
As if this sunny day came just for you
You twist your hair, you smile and you turn your eyes away
C’mon, tell me what’s right with you…

When did you fall in love with me?
Was it out of the blue
‘Cause I swear I never knew it
When did you let your heart run free? …

Well I bet it don’t matter now that I realize
‘Cause baby I missed it then, but I can surely see you now
Right here before my eyes
You’re my beautiful surprise”

So we begin with him asking this chick what her deal is cause she’s all giggly and googly-eyed, then he realizes that she’s in love with him, and he’s like GREAT! Let’s talk about all the inscrutable hints you dropped, what with the hand-moves and the smiling and the flirtatious hair-twisting. And he’s like demanding to know when it happened, when exactly she finally let a little heat into her frigid frigid heart. And it’s a beautiful surprise to him! And he can’t wait to hear the EXACT MOMENT she fell in love with him. And finally he’s like I know you want to kiss me so i’m going to wrap this up by asking you one-more-time, “When did you fall in love me?!?” …And STILL, I am just wild for this song. I honestly don’t care who I marry as long as I can get married and have this song playing at the wedding… and the rehearsal dinner… and the bachelorette party… and the wedding shower… and the reception… and the honeymoon… and the Chris Rice concert I insist we go to. I know, it’s totally insane.

Here’s the live version. Where it seems he’s in his living room?? And one more thing about Chris Rice, he’s a protege of Michael W. Smith, which makes this whole thing even. fucking. more. tragic. I am so embarrased. But this is who I am, world! I can’t help it! I was reared in a multi-cultural environment by a debutante teacher and an elitist people-hating genius! I went to Montessori school! I was doomed from the start.