Last weekend I saw indie-darling Friends with Kids [As a kind of an Instructables on how to handle everyone I know having kids while I spend all my time buying computer monitors. I was like YES, WRITER AND DIRECTOR JENNIFER WESTFELDT, TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.  Her suggestion? Have a kid with your best male friend. So I immediately went to work on making male friends. /End of anecdote] and I really liked it. Even though there were basic concerns (Videogum):

We were told that he was a playboy “serial dater” who loves banging chicks with big boobs and always broke up with the girls and never the other way around, but we were never shown him acting like someone who would have that lifestyle. The only occasion on which it would have been able to be shown to us was when he met Megan Fox for the first time. Like, he will pick up this hot chick and be super charming or at least Jim Halpert-level charming, and then we’ll finally understand what his personality is like around these women. But no — in his first meeting with Megan Fox he was just as nerdy and charming-in-the-nerdy-way as always.

And with Jennifer Westfeldt’s character, we weren’t even given that much. I don’t remember anything specific about that character, other than when she described her job to Kurt — “I help a rich guy pick which charities to give his money to.” Otherwise, what? She wanted a baby? She was nice? She and Adam Scott were friends who asked each other “would you rather” questions all the time? Again, probably enough information to understand the “girl” character in a shitty romantic comedy, but not enough here.

But if I were going to the movies to be accurately shown what life is like I’d watch Gerry.

Videogum didn’t address the most glaring inaccuracy in the film though – CHRIS O’DOWD’s accent. This is what I posit happened five seconds before they filmed the first group scene:

Jennifer Westfedlt: Just curious. Can you do an American accent?
Chris O’Dowd: Nope, not at all, not even for a short period of time.
Jennifer: Great! Then just do an American accent for the whole movie. Are we ready, people?!
Chris: Wait- what?!- I can’t-
Jennifer: – And ACTION!

All of which leads me to my real point – why am I single? Haha, just kidding, I know why (personality, rocks stuck in my pinky, goofy-footedness, lack of interest, lack of teeth, inability to remember how ‘brood’ is pronounced, crippling self-centeredness). My real point is I’m not dead. I didn’t die while taking two (TWO!) classes last semester and I didn’t die while doing some freelance work  and I didn’t die when I realized that I haven’t watched television in a month (#humblebrag). You’re welcome, Internet.

“Get back to work, nigga.”

Me: This is boring. Do you have any gum?

Tony: What’s boring?

Me: The conversation you guys are having?

Tony: Oh, and ‘Do you have any gum?’ is so interesting.

Did you want to to be courted by this guys voice and be thoroughly confused by his Dances with Wolves/The Life of Pi hipster video? Check this out.

Are you concerned that you haven’t been crying your eyes out enough? This is for you.

It’s midnight forty-five on Sunday night. It is still and quiet and I’m an adult SO I CAN STAY UP AS LATE AS I WANT. Except I’m exhausted so I guess I’ll go to bed.

Aside: Do you remember when Christian Slater was in ‘Pump Up the Volume’? And all I wanted was a pirate-radio station so he would fall in love with me? What about that time I dialed the phone number that corresponded with my name and was convinced that it was Kirk Cameron’s private line? So I left him a ton of messages specifically about me? How do you think I’ve managed to stay alive this long when it’s clear that I was the dumbest kid alive?

Sara: Because they want to extreme-ify themselves as a social network.

Cullen: But what is this, over here?

Sara: A timeline, ticker thing.

Cullen: So what is this, over here?

Sara: Recent activity.

Cullen: Isn’t recent activity in my timeline?

Sara: Yes, but the ticker shows everything, every little thing, and expands when you hover so you don’t have to click through to people’s pages.

Cullen: But can’t i just see it down here?

Sara: Do you want to scroll through tons of activity?

Cullen: No.

Sara: Do you want to see tons of activity?

Cullen: No.

Sara: Then look below at recent activity and ignore the ticker.

Cullen: But it’s ticking.

Sara: OK, then just look at the ticker.

Cullen: But it’s small.

Sara: What are you trying to do?

Cullen: Nothing. I don’t care about these people.

[shuts laptop]

Follow. Him.

With that joyous experience in mind, this weekend I jumped off of a high rock into a pool of water.  I was terrified but had to do it. It was only after I nonchalantly stepped off that giant fucking rock that I remembered that I don’t actually know how to swim. You guys, it was terrible. Never again.

I generally don’t like to drone on and on about my AMAZING, ACTIVITY FILLED LIFE (#nosarcasmo), but please, indulge me this one time.

It all started with Duke’s Malibu. Are you familiar with it? I don’t care. It is everything I’ve ever dreamed of for a restaurant. It had food. It had an adorable waiter with a funny accent. It had a theme (Hawaii). It was the besto!  I’m not exactly a risk-taker when it comes to food. I’m totally fine with a nice salad or steak or salmon or burger.  I like food too much to take a chance on getting something that leaves me wanting.  I went to Dukes knowing that I wanted fish and presuming that I’d have salmon.  But since Duke’s is a seasonal restaurant and I guess all the salmon have flown north for the winter (Ed note: Ilya, confirm this.), it was not an option. I ended up with a fish called ‘opah’ and much like our benevolent leader Oprah, IT. IS. MY. NEW. GOD. Opah, I worship you. Here’s a picture:

I was with my mother (whose name I don’t know how to spell) and my girl Courtney (whose – funny story – [last] name I also don’t know how to spell). That’s the price you pay for loving me, I WILL NOT FIND IT IMPORTANT TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME. Deal with it. Here’s a picture of me secretly agonizing over both of their names:

From there, we went to the Lake Shrine. You guys, THERE WERE SWANS THERE. Is there anything more delightful than swans? I don’t think so. We took a leisurely stroll around the gardens, stopping to take photos and provide commentary. Here’s a picture of a nice swan:

And I think a pretty reasonable visual depiction of my relationship with my mother:

I try to figure out how something works

I give an excuse as to why I can’t figure out how it works

I explain that the reason it doesn’t work is because it’s dumb as my mom listens patiently

Then we pose for a picture

Yep, just like real life!

Courtney and I enjoyed each others company and sweetly contemplated the stillness.

Once I left there, I did some business and then went to Korean Barbecue at ten-thirty at night. And then I ate sixteen pounds of meat. (And then I died. And then I ascended to heaven, where I made out with Stringer Bell.)

Trying new things was a theme that day: at Korean Barbecue, I ate octopus. It was a nightmare of epic fucking proportions, but I did it. I kissed my fear on the mouth then I chewed it up and swallowed it and was horrified.

Sunday I woke up 20 minutes before I was supposed to be somewhere. And then I got there. And There was the Arclight cinemahouse, and a Coconut smoothie and my best firlgriend. We saw Attack the Block and Jonathan from 30 Rock – I told her his name was Maury Chaykin. It’s not. Attack the Block was so damned good. Everyone should see it. But not everyone should start saying ‘bruv’ and ‘fam.’ Leave that to me…

I rounded out Sunday with a perfectly delightful party, then food at Cafe 50s, and then I went home, washed my hair and watched USA Network’s Suits. 

And then, in the wee hours of the morning, this happened:

My favorite blogger, the best non-gay life partner I ever had, is having a baby.

Universe, you fucking nailed it. Full stop, end of sentence.

…Now let’s get me to art school.